We can all stand to laugh a little more these days. Maybe even more now than ever before. While the news cycle remains all “doom and gloom” let this post be an oasis. Rest here, have some chuckles, and get yourself back to neutral. You deserve a break. It’s not too late to feel alive again. I promise at least one of these tweets will, if nothing else, make you crack a smile.
nice try walmart, like im gonna spend $20 on a skeleton mask when i could easily just peel the flesh and muscle off my face for free
— haunted Mr baby (@hippieswordfish) October 12, 2015
Finally, an R-rated superman movie.
People in the street (all nude): Look up in the sky it's some shithead
Superman: sup fuckers
— vineyille (@vineyille) June 22, 2016
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I'll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don't know how to tell you this
— Kyle 🌿 (@KylePlantEmoji) May 23, 2018
Once again in my quest to not eat sugar I have eaten Too Much Cheese
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) September 25, 2018
Am I original?
Am I the only one?
— Naomi Skwarna (@awomanskwarned) September 18, 2018
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
— dirt prince of darkness (@pants_leg) September 18, 2018
*knock on door*
“Sir have you found Jesus?”
Uh, no. Goodbye.
*Jesus steps out from behind door with gun*
— Pumpkin Spiceotope (@BuckyIsotope) September 10, 2015
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
— pat tobin (spooky) (@tastefactory) February 28, 2014
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) June 17, 2016
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
— A Literal Homosexual (@kyry5) September 19, 2018