To The Best Friend Who Tried To Save Me From My Toxic Habits

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Friends are rare people that accept everything that we are. They see every flaw and every shortcoming. They see us make the wrong choices and they stand by us. Sometimes these choices are self-destructive and sometimes even the best of a friend can’t watch you cause problems in your own life by making the choices they tell you not to. Because you can’t really help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves.

To the friend I might not have deserved, 

I know you only wanted what was best for me. I had to have wanted the same things for myself. I’m sure you grew tired of watching me and picking up the pieces. Bad habits had a way of not only impacting myself but it impacted you as well. Because you were the one I turned to for so long when shit hit the fan. You were the one to dry every tear. You were the one cleaning up every mess. I took you for granted. Because I thought you’d always be there. I thought you’d always be someone who wanted to stand beside me.

You forgave me once. You don’t owe that to me again.

Thank you for always forgiving me. Thank you for always repeating yourself. Thank you for always giving. I was selfish. I chose habits over you. They were habits I couldn’t break. While I claimed to love you more I had a really tough time showing it. I wanted you and I wanted the thing that kept hurting me. But I couldn’t have them both so I understand why you walked away.

You loved me but I had to learn to love myself.

When someone loves you more than you love yourself ultimately they are gonna want more for you than you do. I should want better for myself and the life I led. It shouldn’t have all been on you. And I think it’s a process of learning to love myself. Like any love story, it takes time.

You showed me light and I chose darkness.

You were the first one who tried to bring out the best in me. But I continued to retreat into darkness and I was stubborn with my ways. I understand why you left. But let me tell you how much darker my world is without you in it.

You deserve me at my best but I’m not there yet.

I enjoyed learning with you by my side for it. But I think this is one of those journey’s I need to take alone. I used you as a pillar to lean on. I relied on you so much, I kind of forgot who I was without you. This toxic habit became what defined me. On the road to self-destruction, you couldn’t watch anymore. I want you to know one day I will be better. One day I’ll be able to kick this. One day I won’t wake up with regret disappointing you. One day I’ll be a better person. It took losing you to change.

I hope one day we get a second chance.

I’ll never forget all you did for me. I’ll never speak a bad word about you. I know it is me and the poor choices I’ve made that caused us to drift. But one day we will drift back together and I’ll be the friend you deserve. I’ll be the person you always thought I was. I’ll be the friend that deserves you.

I’m just so sorry I hurt you if I have. But just know to hurt you, hurt me more than I can convey.  Losing you was enough to make me change.

PuckerMob

Written by PuckerMob

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