Being the grislier, hairier, less emotionally aware of the sexes is sometimes pretty sweet. We can piss off tall buildings, we don’t get periods and we’re a dab hand at opening hard to budge jar lids. That being said, there are some distinct drawbacks to having the XY chromosomes:
1. Girl punches sometimes hurt as much as guy punches, but we can never. ever. Let it show. Keep those tears for alone time fellas.
2. You will never know the spine-chilling, horror-inducing, day wrecker that is accidentally letting the end of your dick hit the water in a public toilet. AKA The Witches Kiss.
3. We can know a friend for years, we could see them on a weekly basis, they could be the best man at our wedding, and yet we still haven’t had a conversation with them that went beyond sports or beer.
4. We are terrible at hints, suggestions, subtly, or tact. You may think that you’re cryptic response conveyed all the information needed for us to understand the message, in reality, we’re more lost than we were before the whole conversation started.
5. Balls tend to get in the way pretty much all the time. If you see us with our hand stuck down our pants, we aren’t being creepy and weird (well some of us might be), we’re just re-arranging that sweaty bag of skin that apparently will bring new life into the world one day. Isn’t nature beautiful?
6. When we try and “fix” your problems rather than just listening and sympathizing, we aren’t doing it to annoy you; we’re just hardwired that way.
7. We can look like we’re deep in pensive thought, but I can assure you it just appears that way. In reality, we’re just wondering what we would do with laser vision, or who was that actor that played Chandler in Friends, so if you ask us what we’re thinking about you’re probably gonna come away disappointed.
8. Outward displays of extreme emotion have been conditioned out of many of us, so if we’re in a situation where crying is appropriate, chances are we will still keep those salty tears at bay. It still hurts, we just find it hard to express it.
9. There comes a point in every man’s life when he realizes he probably won’t score the winning touchdown at the Superbowl/lift the World Cup with his country/take on a team of 88 ninjas in a Japanese Sushi bar. This is a sad day, and when it comes you should console him.
10. When we really, really like someone we have this off-putting trait of becoming a love-hungry child. We want to give you all our love, all the time and will try to constantly please you by telling you even the most basic of our daily achievements. “Look, baby, I managed to shower today!”
11. Every day we fight the urge to thoughtlessly destroy everything around us. We don’t because that wouldn’t be cool, but just know there’s a Viking inside of all of us and he’s pissed that we didn’t set the coffee shop on fire.
12. Random erections. How would you like it if your boobs suddenly started glowing at random intervals throughout the day?
13. Sometimes we wanna be the little spoon.